recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize