I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
