he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
