i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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