I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
