Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
