all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
