i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
