I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well I just put wine in my tea
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
