Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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