he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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