garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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