hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
