I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
