Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
