And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
