i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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