Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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