Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
