I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The struggles of a small town man whore
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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