Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
