The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
