I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
