What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
