A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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