Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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