I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
where am i from again
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
