Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
