I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
