she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
