i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We had to coat check the pizza.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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