I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
