How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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