new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize