my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
