Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
