That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
