i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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