Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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