ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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