after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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