wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
