grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
