he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have peed in a lot of sinks
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
