tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
