I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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