He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
