I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
