Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
