This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I have vodka in my lungs
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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