when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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