Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
