Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
