i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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