i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
