Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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