she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
