Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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