Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
