just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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