dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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