1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
