i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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