She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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