no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
